Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. - Carl Jung
Looking back, I was more or less unhappy and unfulfilled as a constant throughout most of my life. My old journals certainly reflect this frustration. Yes; I was happy in moments…during events/vacations, if I met someone new or learned something I found interesting. Basically only if things I perceived as “good” came to me.
What I realize now is that I was always looking outside; I was searching for something to make me feel good. At first I used the basics: alcohol, food and/or TV. All three at once was ideal. I eventually realized I was making things worse so I stopped drinking, ate less and watched less TV. But even then, I was still wanting more, or always felt the need to do more. I wanted to workout more, eat better, earn more money, climb the ranks, ‘become successful’ - all with the end goal in mind of eventually finding happiness.
I am beginning to realize that this kind of thinking takes us out of the current moment - what my teacher calls “your real life”. When you have so much energy focused outward, you are left feeling depleted and not good enough, always falling short. “When I have enough money, a big house (by the water, please), the perfect spouse, a perfect body (nicely tanned), etc. THEN I’ll be happy.”
That kind of thinking leaves you feeling like you're always falling short - never good enough. Happiness seems to be part of an unobtainable destination. You get a little closer - a better job, move out of your parents ;), start to workout, date someone who seems right, and all of a sudden the destination of happiness moves again. Now its a bigger house, an enlightened soul mate, 8 pack abs, and a 6 digit salary.
I was talking to my brother last night as he was driving home from Palo Alto and he started laughing…he saw a sign (Ace of Base, anyone?) and it said something that implied that you should live your life, but it would be better lived in a bigger living room. It was an ad for a Super Loan mortgage company providing loans for homes up to 3 million dollars. So if you live in SF, and you live in a $1.5M home, well... there's always room to upgrade. Good luck to you! Our society endorses and promotes consumerism to the point that it's literally become a science. Companies know how to influence us, whether our conscious mind knows it or not. We are always being told we should be skinnier, richer, taller, better looking, more successful.
If that’s what leads to happiness, then why do so many famous people commit suicide? These people seemingly have access to almost everything they could want/desire. Some of the most talented, best looking, highly successful people don’t want to live anymore. One might conclude that in fact, wealth and possessions don’t lead to happiness.
Which brings me to my point: true happiness is only found when we find ourselves. When we finally look inward and love ourselves, as we are, NOW.
Your "real life" is happening now, in this moment. Love yourself now. Be still, listen. It is uncomfortable at first, but there is incredible peace to be found within you. It is always with you, it is divine love and you literally have to do nothing, go nowhere, be just as you are. You are perfect. NOW.