Forget if your cup is “half full or half empty” - more importantly, what is it full or partially full of?
I’ve been home from Hawaii for a few weeks now and experienced something I did NOT see coming. If you’ve been around me lately, I might owe you an apology. I’ve been a total B, exploding and yelling and swearing at people on a semi regular basis (sorry Mom and Dad).
It took me a few weeks to realize exactly how far away I had strayed from that “real self” I discovered and loved so much in Hawaii. I went from being cared for 24/7 by a couple of coaches and a qi gong master on a remote farm, in a tiny city, on a tropical island to being in the midst of a busy household in a busy city with an incredibly adorable dog who counts on me to feed her, bathe her, take her to the vet a bajillion times (vulva surgery? Seriously, Buttercup?), not to mention 166 insurance claims from my medical bills, and oh, I need to be out of my apartment and moved BACK into my parents home in 48 hours, please. But don’t get stressed, because you’ve just had two more grand mal seizures and stress might land you unconscious, back in the ER. Bright side? If I don’t void myself or puke, I could meet a cute EMT on the way to the hospital.
I’ve been home from Hawaii for a few weeks now and experienced something I did NOT see coming. If you’ve been around me lately, I might owe you an apology. I’ve been a total B, exploding and yelling and swearing at people on a semi regular basis (sorry Mom and Dad).
It took me a few weeks to realize exactly how far away I had strayed from that “real self” I discovered and loved so much in Hawaii. I went from being cared for 24/7 by a couple of coaches and a qi gong master on a remote farm, in a tiny city, on a tropical island to being in the midst of a busy household in a busy city with an incredibly adorable dog who counts on me to feed her, bathe her, take her to the vet a bajillion times (vulva surgery? Seriously, Buttercup?), not to mention 166 insurance claims from my medical bills, and oh, I need to be out of my apartment and moved BACK into my parents home in 48 hours, please. But don’t get stressed, because you’ve just had two more grand mal seizures and stress might land you unconscious, back in the ER. Bright side? If I don’t void myself or puke, I could meet a cute EMT on the way to the hospital.
ANYWAY. I went for a walk with my dear friend Danielle who is thriving with pancreatic cancer and she asked me a simple question: “are you the kind of person whose cup is half empty or half full?” It hit me like a ton of bricks - I’ve been so committed to filling other people’s cups and taking stands for other people, that I’ve forgotten about my own cup.
Which, after a week of reflection, isn’t true. I’ve been filling my cup for decades with BS stories, insults, and evidence of why I’m not good enough to the point that its constantly SUPER full. So, no, my cup is not half full, it is literally OVERFLOWING. Unfortunately, my cup has been filled to capacity and then some with negative self talk.
Which, after a week of reflection, isn’t true. I’ve been filling my cup for decades with BS stories, insults, and evidence of why I’m not good enough to the point that its constantly SUPER full. So, no, my cup is not half full, it is literally OVERFLOWING. Unfortunately, my cup has been filled to capacity and then some with negative self talk.
So, when my mom challenged me about keeping the rind on the watermelon slices for the appetizer we were making (that our friend made last month) my totally appropriate response was to yell “BULLSHIT” and make sure she knew how wrong she was. There absolutely was NOT rind on the watermelon slices. I was sure of it.
When I realized how bitchy I was being (“you’re seriously parking the car there?” ‘“why the hell is your face making that look?” “wtf, you know I only eat organic lemons!” (by the way, thanks for stopping during dinner rush and picking up lemons for me)) I started to wonder who this person was and why was she exploding on the hour?
I was “stressed,” yes, but we all have a million things going on and not all of us want to punch each other in the throat for taking too long to get ready for dinner.
When I realized how bitchy I was being (“you’re seriously parking the car there?” ‘“why the hell is your face making that look?” “wtf, you know I only eat organic lemons!” (by the way, thanks for stopping during dinner rush and picking up lemons for me)) I started to wonder who this person was and why was she exploding on the hour?
I was “stressed,” yes, but we all have a million things going on and not all of us want to punch each other in the throat for taking too long to get ready for dinner.
My external world was chaotic, but that wasn’t the cause of my unhappiness. It was that each incident was literally a tiny drip into my overflowing cup of awful, so the result was a waterfall of emotions that rained down, threatening to drown whatever poor soul happened to be within insulting distance.
For the visual folks…..
For the visual folks…..
Once I understood this, I had a job to do - get back to controlling my thoughts like I had been in Hawaii. Turns out it's not that easy when you’re back in the “real world”. So, I thought I’d make it easier. If I’m having difficulty turning my ego off, at least re-direct it…fill my cup with something good. “I love you” became my mantra.
Over and over and over and over, between thoughts….”buy groceries….i love you….put appointment slots on your calendar…i love you….make your naturopath appointment….i love you…i can’t find my keys AGAIN…i love you, i love you, i love you….”
My attitude changed - literally, instantly. It took me less than an hour to pour out all the festering, stagnant awful and refill my cup with sparkly, soul quenching love.
Over and over and over and over, between thoughts….”buy groceries….i love you….put appointment slots on your calendar…i love you….make your naturopath appointment….i love you…i can’t find my keys AGAIN…i love you, i love you, i love you….”
My attitude changed - literally, instantly. It took me less than an hour to pour out all the festering, stagnant awful and refill my cup with sparkly, soul quenching love.
My favorite quote from Ghandi has become my goal:
“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”
I’m now focused on turning my cup of liquid love into a rock solid foundation that no quake can shake, there is no fault line.
…I love you…
“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”
I’m now focused on turning my cup of liquid love into a rock solid foundation that no quake can shake, there is no fault line.
…I love you…